[04 Jun 2008|10:04pm] Today I looked trough my old yearbook from 2000/01, the one from when I went to highschool in the US. I was reading the messages that people wrote for me. I remember that back then, those people and the time there was everything for me. Reading the messages today, I had no freaking clue who these people were. I hardly remember any of their faces or what I did with them. I think it's really funny to imagine how much we do change. Things that are so important to you and you feel like you want to treasure more for the rest of your life will have become unimportant some years later and you will have forgotten about them. That's the way life goes. post comment

[07 Mar 2008|03:58pm] I lost. post comment

[04 Mar 2008|10:25pm] Today I heard an old man, who's wife died a couple of years ago, saying "I'm happy I could spend my life together with my her" To most people, he is just a very old, lonely man, but I realized, I am more lonely than he is. In my head, I repeat what he said over and over again. It hurts so freaking much. It hurts because I have this feeling, that many many years later, there won't be a man who is going to say this while thinking of me. It hurts SO much. post comment

彼について [05 Feb 2008|08:36pm] 「愛してる」 なんてあなたは絶対言ってくれなさそうだから かわりに私が言うよ。。。 愛してる post comment

Merry Christmas! [24 Dec 2007|03:06pm] Oh damnit I've been too busy to be on livejournal lately. Christmas shopping and working and uni and going to Christmas markets. I'm leaving in 5 minutes for the airport to pick up my boyfriend. Can't wait to spend time with him, get a - hopefully - nice Christmas gift ;), showing him around and enjoy all the advantages that having a boyfriend brings. You all know what I mean XDDD Anyway, merry christmas to all of you! I wanted to post at each's journal, but I didn't find the time, sorry! Hope you have a great time! 1 comment|post comment

[01 Dec 2007|05:27pm] I fucking hate my parents. I really do. I wonder if I have ever loved them. Lately life's has really just been ... I don't know, meaningless? Empty? I don't go out much, I don't do a lot, I feel like my friends and I we are growing apart. I want to work on my relationships with people, seriously, but how? It makes me so sad thinking about it, but I don't know how to talk to them and how to change. I'm starting to feel lonely a lot. I never really felt lonely before in my life :( It's Saturday and luckily I have some Vodka at home. Yay! Today's World Aids Day! Remember to stay safe, everyone! 1 comment|post comment

[19 Nov 2007|04:51pm] Boyfriend's coming to visit me for Christmas. He said he wants to know where I'm from, which is actually really sweet. I an looking forward to it, but it also means we really need to talk about us and our future. Also another friend said she's coming and since she already has the tickets I can't only spend time with the boyfriend, plus it's holidays season and I'm stressed out and moody because I hate Christmas. Damn, I can already tell things won't go so well... Went on a shopping spree today since I was bored and I felt like spending money. Bought a pair of really cool boots and a pair of ballerinas. Then I bought this awesomely hot Biasia purse which was expensive like woah, but my life feels complete now. To me, shopping is like the cure for every pain. 1 comment|post comment

And here we go again... [14 Nov 2007|05:18pm] Wow, it's been forever. After my last entry, I went through a busy time. I was actually planning to leave Japan at that time, but I didn't come back until three weeks ago. Just had... a lot of things to do and to fix. Now, being back to Austria was cool at first. meeting a lot of friends I haven't met in a long time, being out all day, it was exciting and I thought that's exactely how I want my life to be from now on. But that was at the beginning. The longer I am back, the more I realize how hard it is for me to readjust to my old life. It's just not my life anymore. I am now feeling exactely the way I felt when i went to Japan 15 months ago. Back then I wanted to continue the life I had in Japan before but I couldn't. All I could think about was going back to Austria for good. But I can't stay here either. I don't really have anyone here. I am pretty lonely these days. In Japan, at least I had my boyfriend. We are still together, but damn it, it's just not working out and I'm sick of telling him to be patient until I decide what to do. I don't even want to go back to Japan. I don't want to stay here. I really don't know where to go and what to do from now on. These days, I was thinking about trying to go to the US. I went to school there when I was 16 and when I got into college, for I while I tried to go back to the US with a scholarship, which never really worked out. I don#t know if that's what I really want, but I feel like it's an option and I want to give it a try. When I told a friend about it, she said I have to stop running away from things, but seriously, it's not like I have anything here I could run away from. Here I have like... nothing. As usual, everything's messed up. 3 comments|post comment

[31 Jul 2007|06:45pm] I am going back to Austria. In two weeks. I have a thousand reasons to not leave and I am really sad, but I have a million reasons to leave and go back to Austria. I knew when I decided this, that I'll never go back to japan for living. Like ever. Now it's sad leaving everything and everyone behind and i am melancholic every day, but it's alright. I have to leave. I want to talk about a special person now, that I never really knew. But still, this person is special to me. Here at uni, I was in a sport club and today I went there for the last time to pick my stuff up. Now sport club in Japan is the fakest shit ever, if you among the older students, which I am, people are fake nice to you and bow to you and treat you like god, even though they don't give a shit about you at all, really. But well, that's Japanese culture. Besides having some kind of a party last saturday with the girls, I met some of the guys today and said goodbye to them. With a few exceptions, I hardly talked to any guys in this club, because I am foreigner, thus scary and even thought they know I speak Japanese and don't bite them and shit, most of them, besides an obligatory greeting, they pretty much ignored me, especially the first years students. There was only this one guy, who from the beginning would greet me and always with a smile. Everyday, no matter if it was on the court, in front of the class room or on the streets. It blew me away, because it's so not Japanese and without any meaning behind it, it always made me a little happy. So today I said goodbye to some of the guys and they were pretty much just saying bye bye and walking on. I think they didn't really get that I was leaving or maybe they didn't really care. But as I was about to leave, I looked back and this one guy was stopping next to me and he said "Goodbye. Thank you for everything". And while he said it, he gave me this smile, that he always used to give me and made me so happy before. Honestly, I am ignorant too and I have no idea what his name was. I can't even say I knew this guy. But when he was there, he was present for me. Being recognized in Japan if you are not Japanese isn't easy and really, without any ulterior motive or talking about love or having a crush, today I realized that during all this time, this guy did recognize me and my existance. And let me know. And gave me a smile that made me happy. Realizing that, I created another melancolic memory. But it makes me feel happy at the same time. He was just a good guy, that I met. It's too late, but I wish I would have talked to him more. But I hope he will keep that smile and give it to a lot more people. post comment

[17 Jun 2007|12:43am] It's been three weeks that he told me he's with a girl now. A girl that's not me. Maybe I took him too much for granted but I've always really loved him. And he's with another girl now. Today was the first time I could cry over it. post comment

[26 Apr 2007|12:19am] I decided to date this gentle guy, I've spent the night with, and give up on the one I liked so much and just can't stop thinking about. It just needs to come to an end. Enough now. post comment

[14 Apr 2007|05:05pm] I spent the last night with a guy who was really cool and treated me well. He's my type and he already wrote me 3 mails since then, saying he wants to meet me again. Event though it was really nice and yeah, maybe I want to meet him again too, I'm not even close to be as excited over the whole thing as I was excited when I bumped into the guy I like since I came to Japan and wrote my last entries about, just half an hour ago. Even though he just said 'hi' and then was gone, I am repeating this scene in my head over and over again. I won't be with him, but I just cannot not like him. I don't know why, but it just has to be him. post comment

[09 Feb 2007|04:25pm] Mister Uncool that I mentioned in my last entry, who is basically my - as sad as it is - the center of my world right now (and heck, I don't even get why), told me yetserday that he 'happened' to get into a realtionship with this girl who confessed to him. So yesterday we walked home together because she lives at the same building and he told me he was planning to get out of this 4 days-realtionship because she isn't his type and he doesn't have feelings for her. I acted like a good friend and as if I am oh so happy he was confessed to despite the fact that he finds himself oh so disgusting, but believe me my heart was shattered. Today I feel like shit, the weather sucks and there's this gloomy atmosphere. And there is this one thought that stays in my mind all this fucking time: If hes dating a random girl he doesn't really have feelings for, why isn't he just dating me? Not that he knows, but yeah.... I'm soooo pathetic. post comment

[26 Jan 2005|10:01pm] Sorry, friends only... Comment to be added. 9 comments|post comment

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